How do I get better?
Dear Katy;
Things have now become a little too serious for me and I just can’t seem to keep my focus anymore. I am jealous like I’ve never been with anyone, and for the first (and hopefully last) time, I want to be someone else. I want to be her. For a moment, you know, I thought it might for some crazy reason come true, all this. How stupid I was. See, I was ridiculous once. But now, it’s no longer ridiculousness. And I’m scared of how deep things are going, inside me.
I can’t eat, can’t sleep, I can’t go down a road without any little thing there, to remind me of him and of how imperfectly perfect he is. And how I would have given anything, to have the chance that some had, and still do. Because after all, there isn’t anything about them that he wouldn’t find in me. Why did it, like, fall from the sky to her?
You know I’m a very positive person, and I believe all my dreams can and will come true. I really do, and some of them are already happening (like meeting you, going to Wembley…). But this one…I know, that this one will never come true. And that KILLS me inside. It hurts, more than anything in the world, and it will leave bruises, for I have blocked everything under my skin, and I’m emotionally closed to everyone but him, which leads me to be completely isolated from other people of my age, having my guitar as my best friend.
And I sometimes think they are totally right! I’m 16! I should be going on dates at McDonald’s, and falling in love with that cute guy from the senior class and pray every night for him to ask me to prom! Then why in the WORLD did I have to fall in love with someone who ignores my existence? Why did I have to pick HIM, out of all the others?
Going to Wembley made me understand some things, you know. I won’t be talking musically, because musically, there isn’t anything I can say except that it was the best time of my life. But in other matters, it hit me in a shocking way, leaving me with that which I hate the most: reality. Being there, feeling him, only meters away from me, all eyes on him, me being just another black dot in the middle of the immense crowd…Seeing his wife and his kids, it was all there, right in front of me. No screen, no lies, all real. It was all like a wake up call, for which I wasn’t prepared… It all brought me down to this hole where I’m currently in. And today, reading his dedication to “Mrs Nicole Gallagher, I mean, ” just the image of him saying that, it’s like the collapse of the idea of complete happiness to me, being washed away and taken over by someone else! Honestly, no matter how insignificant I might be next to her, it always hurt, when you’re in love, no matter who it is that you’re in love with. No matter who, you’ll always invent in your head, ways of making it work, no matter how impossible…it’s love. Along with the imagination, it sees no limits. You don’t care how small or insignificant you are.
But well, I like to think that it’s all temporary. At least that’s what they say, and although I don’t usually believe them, I do believe it will all go away with time. Or so I hope…
But one thing I’m absolutely sure: there will never be another Liam Gallagher.
“I guess, second best is all I will know”…
Yours truly,
Rita
